Dr. Ashok Kumar
Geriatrics
The following is an actual conversation between an iCliniq user and a doctor that has been reviewed and published as a Premium Q&A.
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Patient's Query
Hi doctor,
I have been married for eight years, it was a love marriage, and things were fine initially. Three years back, my husband left his job to pursue his passion for becoming an entrepreneur, and I supported him in whichever way I could, both mentally and financially. But, things did not go as per the plan. He has always been a very confident person, who has always thought highly of himself. So, because of all this, his weekly drinking habit got converted to daily drinking. It has been three years since we had a sexual relationship. When I try to confront him, it only ends up in an argument, and he tries to pull me down mentally. Things took an uglier turn when he verbally abused me, and I had to leave the room to protect myself and my kid. He keeps abusing me mentally in front of our 5-year-old son. It is very disturbing to see our kids being raised up like this. It has become a routine for my husband, although lately, he has become very sensitive about me. I told my father about this, and he asked me to come back home. My mother is suffering from blood cancer, and she will live only for 2 to 3 years. She does not know about all this, if I leave everything today, I may lose my mother way too early. She will not be able to bear it. I am so mentally sick and irritated, and I do not know what to do. My husband says that things will change. Is it advisable to forget everything and start fresh? My mind is saying no, but I cannot disturb my parents anymore. Please help.
Hi,
Welcome to icliniq.com.
I have read your query and understand your concerns. First of all, I am totally against any form of abuse, so do not endorse any idea of suffering with your current husband. There is a definite need to seek advice if things are not working despite making compromises on your end. Second, I feel there is an immense need to see a marriage counselor, as it becomes a heavy task to bring up children without spousal support. Third, the most important thing is to get him treated for alcohol addiction. In my opinion, treating him for alcohol may solve some of your problems in the marriage. I hope this helps you. If you have more questions, feel free to write back to me.
Thank you.
Patient's Query
Hi doctor,
Thank you for the response. I do not want any form of support from my husband's side, as I am sure I can take good care of my kid on my own. He does not think he is addicted to alcohol, he thinks his behavior is justified, even though it is not normal for me. Because he abuses me not only in the house but in public also. Taking him to any form of counseling is just impossible, he has a very different idea of psychology or psychiatry. I have confronted him on this front as well. For me to take a decision to go ahead with this marriage or separate is the hardest one, he will not change, and even if he does, it will be a very temporary change. Should I think about my mother and stay back or should I move ahead? I have the full support of my family, they will always support me. Kindly suggest.
Hi,
Welcome back to icliniq.com.
Regarding addiction, I have a different opinion than your husband. I mean to say that increasing abuse of alcohol (weekly to daily), use of language which is unparliamentary, and manhandling the spouse at home and other places clearly indicate that he no more understands what he is doing, and calling it alcohol addiction will not be wrong. Regarding change, I have again different opinion. In my opinion, people do change when they are confronted with reality. I understand he does not understand psychiatry and psychology, but having a few more attempts is warranted before calling it off. Regarding the health of your mother, I think she should feel proud for having a courageous daughter who can deal with things despite the adversity in marriage. I understand that you do not want to be the reason for her stress, but I do not think it can cause a shortening of her life. There are many myths in our society that particular news killed a particular person, but in most instances, it is just news rather than fact. I mean to say that, inform your mother gradually. I am sure she will be fine with your decision to move out of an abusive marriage. I hope this helps you further.
Thank you.
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Geriatrics
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