Patient's Query
Hello doctor,
My 10-year-old daughter is very assertive; she often engages in arguments and conflicts with me. As a mother, I feel like I may not be showing her enough love. Her behavior has hurt me several times, and it seems to happen in recurring episodes. I have tried my best to adapt and lead a peaceful life, but certain aspects of her behavior are intolerable. Whenever I try to control her actions by scolding or warning her, it often leads to aggressive and arrogant scenes, which is frustrating for me as an adult mother. These episodes have contributed to my development of depression and stress.
Please help.
Thank you.
Hello,
Welcome to icliniq.com.
I understand your concern.
Firstly, I would like to extend my sympathies to you for going through a difficult time in your life. It is unclear how long this issue has been occurring—whether it is a recent change in her behavior or if it has been ongoing for a while. There could be many reasons why your daughter is behaving this way with you. Children often struggle to express themselves verbally like adults, so when they face challenges in their lives, their behavior may change. These changes can manifest at home, with friends, or at school. When they feel unheard or lack support, they may become aggressive as a way of seeking help.
Additionally, keep in mind that she is 10 years old, nearing adolescence, which can bring about significant bodily and hormonal changes that may be challenging for her. Be patient, inquire about what is happening in her life, and listen attentively to her responses. Also, do not forget to communicate to her that her behavior is causing hurt to you and others, and it is not acceptable.
If you require further information and assistance, please schedule an appointment, and we can delve into the matter in more detail. It is important not to ignore your mental health as well.
Best wishes.
Patient's Query
Thank you for the reply doctor,
It has been ongoing for years, and I acknowledge that I am the reason behind it. In her early childhood, I used to be harsh with her for not attending school regularly and refusing to eat, which led to her developing a defiant and arrogant attitude. In attempting to manage her behavior, we resorted to harsh discipline, which was inappropriate for her age and caused her significant distress. We recognized our mistake and began to nurture her differently, but her behavior remained unchanged.
She continues to refuse to attend school and insists on adding extravagant items to her lifestyle, disregarding our requests. The situation has escalated to the point where she screams, makes death threats, and becomes aggressive when faced with any request or rule. I feel like I am forced to comply with her demands, unable to assert my authority as a parent. She often shifts blame onto others and was even caught stealing at a supermarket. Despite my efforts to handle the situation calmly, she perceives me as rude and unloving. She cries out for maternal love, yet she acts aggressively towards me, even resorting to physical violence.
As a grown adult, these experiences have deeply wounded me, and I find myself unable to show her the love I once had for her. I am exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed by stress and depression. Her actions have caused me so much hurt that I struggle to find the emotional capacity to love her fully. It is disheartening to witness her prioritize her own desires over familial harmony at such a young age. As parents, it is our responsibility to guide her toward making the right choices, but she seems unwilling to accept that. Instead, she insists on living according to her own whims, demanding extravagant items she sees on television, which I simply cannot endure emotionally.
Hello,
Welcome back to icliniq.com.
I believe, as you have mentioned, that the aggression has probably stemmed from her early childhood experiences of going through a very strict style of parenting. It is more likely for children to rebel and protest when they are corrected physically, such as through hitting, etc. I am not sure if there was anyone like her father or grandparents whom she could turn to when she was punished. If not, there is also a chance that it would have resulted in a lot of trauma and trust issues.
It is also likely that children will react to their parents' anxiety and emotions. For example, if you are angry or anxious, there is a high chance she might reflect that. Having said that, the issue, in my opinion, is far more complex. You both will need proper help in terms of addressing your mental health, behavioral therapy, and assistance with parenting style.
I hope this information helps you.
Thank you.
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Answered byDr. Easodhavidhya Elango
Medically reviewed byiCliniq medical review team
Same symptoms don't mean you have the same problem. Consult a doctor now!
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