I think I have BPD (borderline personality disorder). I have major depression, which is often caused by the fact that I feel as if the ones I love will leave me or hate me one day. My mood swings happen a lot, and I have monthly or bi-monthly depressive episodes where I physically cannot get out of bed, and I cannot stop crying, and every muscle in my body hurts. I also have terrible aggression that is typically uncalled for and triggered by very random things (not finding my hairbrush, someone talking to me, a drawer not shutting, etc.).
The other day, I had a moment in public where I somewhat blanked out, and I saw random shapes for a minute and some other scary images that appear in my nightmares. This lasted two minutes before it stopped, and I could see again, but I still could not respond or interact with my surroundings. I used to self-harm, but I have since stopped and received help for that. I have not looked for support for these other things because I am afraid. The idea of reaching out for help for this is terrifying. My one support has not supported me with this and has accused me of being on drugs (which I am not) when I am disconnected from reality and telling me that my emotions are hormone-driven. It is very stressful to open up to others because of this and the fear that they will say the same thing. Sometimes, I trust people way too much, sometimes even those I have just met, and I tell them everything. But yet, I find it very difficult and almost impossible to open up to loved ones. Could you help me? Am I just being overdramatic?
Welcome to icliniq.com.
First of all, I would like to tell you that you do not have a borderline personality disorder. In Personality disorders, individuals have no insight into their bad and mal-functional behavior. They never accept that there is something wrong.
Depression due to fear that your loved ones will leave you could be occurring due to some intrusive ideas. Such behavior might occur in depression or anxiety, most probably. The other behavior you are showing can also be explained. More details of history are needed to comment.
Try to divert your mind and spend your time doing constructive things. Ignore negative things and appreciate positive things. Avoid generalizing bad behavior of someone. Try to correct your bad behavior what you think is causing problems. With time you will start seeing improvement.
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