I am suffering from depression. I am having feelings of mild depression, but I do not know if I am actually depressed, but here is a bit of my life since I was a boy. I lost my mother when I was very young and did not have any memories of her. I grew up with my dad and my siblings, but I have always felt different, alone, cursed, and forgotten as nothing seems to work for me. Never felt loved, my dad was addicted to alcohol and, and most of my family members abandoned me till date.
I struggled with the feelings of worthlessness daily as I grew up. I have little or no friends as I grew up, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. My self-esteem was too low, had a dislike for myself, not able to express myself. I am short-tempered and a little caring same time. When I was 20, my feelings got worst, and I cried every day at night. I have extreme mood swings because when I am around people, it seems I am happy, but when I leave, I return to my hole. Kindly help.
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You have described facing several adverse childhood experiences like losing your mother, and indifferent father addicted to alcohol and lack of loving support while growing up. These adverse life events could have potentially affected your feelings like, making you feel low, affect your self-esteem, and cause suicidal thoughts. Anyone in your situation would have probably felt the same.
It is good to know that you had some support from a friend before. It is important not to isolate yourself when you are feeling like this. Try to meet supportive people regularly. If you are in education or doing a job, try to speak to a senior person and see whether they can be a mentor to support and guide you. If you are spiritual, try visiting holy places regularly if you find it helpful. You have said that you feel happy when you are around the people and low again when lonely, this is understandable. People feel better in practical social situations.
You will also benefit by consulting a doctor who can do a full assessment of the nature and severity of your symptoms, and it will clarify whether you have clinical depression. Try to speak to your friend and family and make sure you get help. You may need some counseling support or therapy to help you move forward in life. Equally important is self-help measures like eating healthily, sleeping well, exercise regularly, keeping yourself gainfully occupied, and having positive social relationships.
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