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Q. How to handle the ego of an 18 year old girl?

Answered by
Dr. K. V. Anand
and medically reviewed by iCliniq medical review team.
This is a premium question & answer published on Jun 24, 2016 and last reviewed on: Oct 09, 2018

Hi doctor,

I am a teacher and I do not live with my husband. When I left my country my childern were 7.5, 6 and 2.5 years old. Now in the new place, they are 19.5, 18 and 14.5 years old. My daughter, who is 18 years old, is wild. She is doing her first year college. My daughter got involved with a boy last year. The boy became close to me and was my internet friend. We will talk about my daughter and he said that she is just a friend until I discovered last year. On weekends, my daughter lives with that boy. She will stay in the boy's house, even if the family refuses. This behavior is due to negligence. I took my daughter away from him and now she fights with the people, especially my family and anybody related to my family except her cousin who is my sister's daughter. I get angry as her involvement with her boyfriend of a weird personality. I do not know how to deal with my daughter. I discussed with the boy's sister and she told many things about what happened. The boy did not want her anymore, but insisted to give him money for not to leave her. Now my daughter is at home and she does not do anything rather than eating in her room. I do not talk with her as she disrespects me which really hurts me. Now again she is about to enter the school and we had quarreled again. I know that my daughter has a personality disorder too. Please I need your advice.

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Hi,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

  • Your daughter is 18 years and that means she is in her late adolescent period where these people do believe that they are matured enough to handle everything and are capable to take decision according to the circumstances.
  • They believe so, but in actuality they are not matured at all. We knew that, but they do not accept the fact.
  • This is where you have to be very careful while interacting with her. You should know and understand that your daughter may not just take your advice because she thinks she is matured enough to take her own decisions.
  • As she never accepts your advice, repeating the same advice again and again irritates her. So, she counter and disregards you and you get irritated, angry and advise her again and again. This has been going on for weeks together and now you are here.
  • The distance between you and your daughter increases more and more.
  • The only way to get out of this is to accept your daughter's mistake and forgive her. This action, if said and applied properly will act as an appreciation for her and this appreciation could change her present attitude to you.
  • Do not get angry or irritated while talking to your daughter even if she gets angry as everything will become negative again.
  • Accept her behavior, decision, etc., for the time being. Reduce the gap between you and your daughter. Definitely it will take some time.
  • Be patient. Once the gap has reduced considerably, you can easily put your point. Once your daughter accepts that you are respectable and can approach you in her difficulties, she will also accept your advice.
  • I remind you that this will take time. Please be patient because this is the only way out.

For further information consult a psychologist counsellor online --> https://www.icliniq.com/ask-a-doctor-online/psychologist-counsellor

Thank you doctor,

However, she is so wild. Whatever I say, she contradicts to that. She enrolled a subject for summer class, but only one subject. I said why only subject as it is a waste of time. She did not like that. She is always changing her mind and it is only this time as she has grown up. She has impulsive feelings and easily changes her thinking. Please help me.

#

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

I can see the trouble of parenting an adamant girl. You are doing a great job looking after three children and your occupation together. You also will be stressed immensely. Now this is the time you should reduce some of your burden, stress and relax.

  • I do not have any information about your elder child. Hope she is doing well and carrying on according to your advice.
  • Regarding your second 18 year young female child, she should be made to understand what life is?
  • In that sense you have done your job perfectly for 18 years. Loved, nurtured, cared her and provided everything that you could. You performed the role of a parent perfectly. You did your designated job.
  • Now, your daughter is a young adult. As I already said, she believes she is mature, can handle things and take a decision by herself.
  • If you try to contradict her, then quarrel will be the result. You have enough of such experiences. Therefore, advices are of no use. She would not listen to you.
  • The only left over alternative is to let her learn life herself hereafter and she may fail or do well.
  • Everything is learning. Every time she fails to do something and she will learn something. Your duty is to be supportive and appreciate her positives and gently point out her negatives so that she understands.
  • Never force your opinion. Respect her, love her and slowly she will come back to your fold and arms. She will learn life adequately, though it could take some time.
  • I suggest you to observe the tussle between you and your daughter as a healthy ego tussle. At the end, both of you will win. So, wait and watch.

For further information consult a psychologist counsellor online --> https://www.icliniq.com/ask-a-doctor-online/psychologist-counsellor


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