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Q. How to handle my husband with effective communication?

Answered by
Dr. Mehwish Mursaleen
and medically reviewed by iCliniq medical review team.
This is a premium question & answer published on Oct 20, 2016 and last reviewed on: Oct 05, 2020

Hi doctor,

My husband is very broadminded and good hearted. He is an all rounder in every arena, both at home and outside. He can manage anything and can do any task. But, he quickly gets irritated when saw any flaw around. He expects me to be 100% perfectionist in any work at home. Due to the irritation, he was throwing nasty slangs. It does not mean anything serious. It is natural from his side and after two minutes he forgets everything. But, I cannot cope up with listening these slangs. It is mentally affecting me. However, I did not blame him. I tried to analyze the cause of his irritation and I found that he has financial panic and stress. So, I pushed him to start giving tuition to IT professionals. As he is getting extra earning, he feels better with more confidence now. Also, I pushed him slowly to join a spiritual community where they offer breathing exercise techniques for free and he said that he got benefited from it. Also, I observed that the frequency of his irritation reduced.

Even though he has reduced his irritation, I really do not know to handle him when he shouts after me horribly and talks rubbish. He treats me very low for that moment. Otherwise, he is very fine with me and those are just a matter of moments. I am very gentle, soft natured and hardly argue with others. But, this affects my emotional level certainly and nowadays, I simply repeat his words to him and then he stops. Apart from the above issue, he is a caring and responsible guy. I adjusted to him for the last six years and now I have a baby.

What message will my baby get when my husband will shout over me with nasty and dirty slangs in dominating and highly irritating manner? Will it impact my baby or she will ignore? How to handle my husband with effective and strong communication? We both are working. I am managing my 11 months old baby and doing half a day office for baby. I have OCD and acute psychosis symptoms. If my stress gets trigger for any reason, I may get stress headache and can hear mild auditory hallucinations. All the above problems of mine started before two to three years. I am 90% fine after having a baby.

#

Hi,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

I completely understand that you are facing a hard time dealing with your husband at times he gets irritated and you feel concerned about your baby if she gets affected by this attitude.

Here, I am telling you something related to psychological theories and research findings on how children form perceptions.

  • Kids generally are very observant of their parent's behavior and communication problems. It never gets ignored once the child has listened, watched, felt and registered it in mind.
  • The important thing here to note is the child observes both of her parents and makes an impression. If one parent is argumentative and other handles it gently, so that the issue is resolved in a humble manner from both of the parents then definitely it will give the child a sense that problems can be resolved in a peaceful manner.
  • If one parent is irritable, abusive and aggressive in front of the child and the other does nothing to resolve the issue, then child will get a perception that things cannot be solved.
  • If one is shouting and aggressive and the other parent also shouts in response, the child will get the idea that the only way to resolve the problems is to become aggressive and shout on others. Definitely, the child will adopt any kind of the above mentioned attitude in her later life to solve the similar kind of problems.
  • Another important thing is, it depends on the child's perception how she perceives the problems and situations in life.
  • If she perceives and attributes positively to her parents, then it will develop a positive frame of mind. And, if she perceives it negatively so the matter will affect her negatively.
  • So, it is not always the parents who become the reason of the child's behavior. Children also have their own perceptions and personality, which defines about what the child will get in life.
  • Therefore, both the things are important for a child's development that is the environment or the people around her and child's individual self and personality.

The Probable causes:

Communication pattern may gets disturbed if one or both of the partners are going through some stress, psychological problems or any sort of personality patterns which clash with each other.

Investigations to be done:

Psychological assessment of both partners is necessary when there is a partner related problem. Together, you both can consult a psychologist (family therapist) for assessment, so that the communication patterns of both the partners can be assessed and guided towards positive growth.

Because, in case of only one partner suffering from psychological illness, individual psychotherapy is suggested. But, if both are having some psychological issues, first of all they both need individual counseling or therapy and when they complete the individual treatment, their partner related issues are worked out in couple therapy.

Do get your partner assessed psychologically and get confirmed your own diagnosis, so that you can get effective treatment before it affects your offspring.

Probable diagnosis:

Partner relational problem.

Treatment plan:

A research shows that the couple therapy or marital therapy is the best treatment for partner related problems or communication problems. Do take some couple therapy sessions to work on your communication patterns.

As you have mentioned that you are dealing with your husband since long time, I appreciate; the way you are handling is very well. Keep handling it gently. Here, I am giving you some tips to develop effective communication skills.
1. What you feel is very important to communicate with your partner, whether you feel positive or negative, do communicate it. But, the key to effective communication is the way you communicate it to your partner. For example, you are giving a positive comment in a harsh or loud tone, definitely it will give a negative sense and the next person will never take it positively.
2. In contrast, you talk in a low and humble tone. You can talk to your partner that you feel very concerned that if our baby will be affected by our words. She may not learn what we are saying in front of her and she might not get fearful of our loud tone. You do not hit the person directly, but try to tell your real feelings and concerns and then definitely it will give a positive sense.
3. The next person will never ignore your concern if you give him the sense that you respect his personality and you like him, but this particular behavior is unacceptable for you and you want him to be more likable.
4. Always use positive affirmations in your language if you want others to listen you. For example, I respect what you are going through, I am always there for you, I want to see you happy, you are a very nice person and any other positive phrases. If you start your talk with positive things and then lightly come to the negative aspect, it will definitely give another person the sense that you really want him to improve, rather than trying to hit or hurt.
5. Take care of your verbal (the words you say) and nonverbal messages (body language). If both are congruent, you will be considered true and genuine. If you say that I am happy, but your body posture or facial expressions say that you are not happy inside and something is wrong, then the next person will definitely believe on your body language and not your words.

Preventive measures:

I appreciate that you are concerned regarding your baby at this initial stage. Do take help to deal with the issues before it affects your child. Because, once the child's personality patterns are formed, then it is very difficult for the parents to reshape it.

Regarding follow up:

For further information consult a psychologist counsellor online.---> https://www.icliniq.com/ask-a-doctor-online/psychologist-counsellor

Thank you doctor,

I have described about my husband below. He is 5'8" tall and he feels even 6 x 7 foot standard size single bed is not enough. He needs to sleep alone in that bed to sleep well, even though he does not move much. Is this an adjustment issue? He gets extremely irritated and starts throwing slang if his sleep gets disturbed. If I tell him any work he will never do it. But, as I am forgetful at home on many things, he shouts at me. After coming back from office, he wants me to assist him in each and everything. But, I feel bad when he is not ready to help me. His complaints against me every time when I forget something. Even if I convince him my forgetfulness is not intentional, then he shouts as this is my disease. As it is my disease, why he is behaving so negatively to me? When I convinced him about the irritation issue and marital counseling, he said he is not willing to attend. But, apart from these issues we both love each other very much and we are 98% happy couple. Magic of love bond helps us to forget everything, but my concern is, as we have a baby now it would be immensely helpful if he can rectify his irritation expressions. From the above features, do you feel he has adjustment or irritation or impatience issues?

#

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

As you have stated that you both are 98% happy and fine most of the time and these minor irritations subside after a few minutes, there is indication that all these are a part of daily issues everyone encounters while dealing with a partner or a family.


The Probable causes:

Daily stressors or workload may cause irritation and argument among family members.

Investigations to be done:

Psychological testing.

Differential diagnosis:

It needs to be differentiated whether his symptoms are clinically significant or is it a normal daily life matter.

Treatment plan:

What you both need is to visit a psychologist or a family therapist for psychological assessment. It is not always that a person suffering from confirmed diagnosis can go to a psychologist for help, psychological assessment clearly shows the need of any kind of treatment or if the issues are normal and do not require clinical attention or only a few sessions are required for counseling.

It is just like if you go to a psychologist for personality testing, career counseling, parental guidance or any other kind of knowledge about the self. So, the psychologist administers relevant tests and then shares the findings with you.

I suggest you and your partner get tested on anything which bothers you. Just go to a psychologist, tell about the problems and ask for relevant tests to be administered and then get the feedback.

The information you provided about your partner seems to be a quite normal daily life attitude, which anyone can exhibit. But since you are very concerned about him and your baby, it is always recommended to get confirmed findings of standard psychological tests before making any assumptions regarding the person.

Regarding follow up:

For further information consult a psychologist counsellor online.---> https://www.icliniq.com/ask-a-doctor-online/psychologist-counsellor

i've started lot of creative hobbies for self satisfaction and my husband are immensely encouraging me , so his irritation is also diverted and reduced and i am also happy with his cooperation.he immensely loves me and cares for me always since the beginning of my life from the time i knew him but onlything is his irritation in last 2-3 years due to his financial stress etc bothered me a lot as i too love him a lot and hence was getting emotionally effected.i think i can handle this issue now as focus is in creative tasks and joy.so thinking more on that now.

================================================================
another issue is: since the time i've been back in my office after maternity, in office one local authority person ashwin kaddi talking against me to someone over phone. saying negative things about me and not only this today he uttered my husband's name over phone to someone.i am worried. -=====but i don't have any proof about this happening. this is really happening and my hubby does not believe. what to do?
# Dear Turna,
As you mentioned that you are a loving couple and have a happy life. There can be such times in life when everyone of us can get frustrated/irritable due to life stressors (e.g. financial issues). The good thing about you is you understand the causes of his irritation and finding way out to deal with it very effectively. Do continue doing things which you both enjoy. Finding some time out from stressful things and doing something creative, enjoyable, and relaxing is the best way to relieve daily stress.
The Probable causes:

Anyone can be apprehensive if observes something negative happening around. If some one perceives the situation negatively then there are 100% chances that negative thoughts will emerge in mind automatically. Negative Automatic Thoughts (such as: something terrible is happening, something will go wrong etc.) lead to negative emotions (such as worry, fear) and this affects our behaviors (such as avoiding the situations, being aggressive, argumentation etc.)

Investigations to be done:

We need to check the validity of our thoughts. Check out the proofs: in favor of and against to negative thoughts.

One way to check out the validity of thoughts is how people around us think or say about the situation. Another way is to check by ourselves if we find no proofs to our thoughts then it is indication there may be some contradictions to our negative thought. Find more proofs against your Negative Automatic Thoughts.

This helps us to test the reality. If we find more contradictions and no proofs to negative thoughts/beliefs, our mind gets prepared to believe that there may be other ways we can see that situation. When we see the situation differently (or positively) then the consequences (behaviors) are also positive.

Probable diagnosis:

Insufficient information to diagnose.

Treatment plan:

Above Strategies I've mentioned to test your thoughts is a part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is the most recommended treatment for your problem.

You are advised to take cognitive behavior therapy sessions from a psychologist.

Detailed assessment of your thoughts and alternative positive thoughts will be suggested when you work with a psychologist to find out solutions for problems you are facing in real life circumstances.

Preventive measures:

Do start taking therapy sessions from a psychologist. The more time we give to our negative automatic thoughts, the stronger they become and then it gets difficult for us to change our beliefs/thoughts.

Regarding follow up:

Do take follow-up if you need further information.

Best Regards.


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