Hello doctor,
I am back to let you know that I have tried to work through my issue with my mother-in-law and things are a bit better. The baby does not exhibit any more obvious preference toward her, and things are more balanced. What is not balanced is me. I continuously feel overwhelmed with negative emotions like frustration and anger. I think permanently on the edge of exploding and smashing or breaking something. I try to take the anxiety pills my neurologist recommended, Bromazepam, but it is quite weak and does not do anything. Sometimes I have taken two to three pills to feel a sort of relaxation, but that is quickly gone, and the anger was still there. A few weeks ago, I got furious when the baby refused to eat, smashed the food bowl on the kitchen floor, and got baby food everywhere, including the ceiling. Then, the baby started crying, and it was a complete mess. I tried to help myself by doing such demonstrations in front of the baby, but I felt like I could not hold it back much anymore. I am always furious. I thought my mother-in-law caused me this anger, but I do not believe that anymore. Instead, I believe there is something wrong with me. Looking at the future, I feel even more desperate thinking about my life as I am going crazy in the house taking care of a small child, cooking, washing, cleaning up, taking care, etc. I feel I have made a mistake having a child and that I cannot do all the work involved by giving up my pleasure and my freedom. And to add insult to injury, my partner is completely uninterested in sex, and our sex life is a horrible bore where we are intimate maybe once a month, lately even less than once every two months.
I have thoughts of leaving him and leaving my family. But I do not know what else I will do if I leave my family. Plus, I love my baby. It is just that I love him when I think about it. But I feel annoyed with him when I have to be with him. All my days are just focused around his needs - change him seven to eight times a day since he shits like five times, cook and mash his foods, then find all creative ways to be fun and cute and make him eat, try to get him to sleep and sing to him and swing him on a pillow. And have fun with him, so he is not bored since he cries immediately when he is not given attention, pick him up and move him around the house because he is mobile now and gets into all sorts of wrong places, take care that he drinks enough water since he is fussy. Sometimes I have to give him liquids by spoon as he will not drink with the sippy cup or straw cup, take him out for a stroll every day for two hours at least, make sure his clothes are clean and that he has enough food and milk, go shopping for all his necessities, I do not know, am I missing something? I tried to go to aerobics classes, but it is difficult to manage the daily schedule in such a way that I have those two hours of free time for myself, and when I finally do, I am too tired and feel like sitting on the couch and playing a computer game. I wash my hair once a week. I have to take quick showers and jump out as soon as the baby wakes up the rest of the time. And he wakes up because of the loudness of the shower. Overall, I am very angry and feel like losing it. Every day, if I have not broken something, it is a miracle. I sometimes talk insultingly to the baby, and though he can not understand me now, I worry that he will soon, and I am ashamed and I am angry at myself as well. I have hit walls, and I have rarely hit myself in the face because I do not know what else to do with all this frustration and violent impulses. I never touched the baby, and I do not think I will, but living like this is hell. And for a while, I thought it was because my partner was not having sex with me anymore, but honestly, the more I think about having sex, the more I feel I would instead smash someone's face than sleep with them. I do not feel much sexual desire for anyone. I feel just anger. I need to find help. I can not be like this anymore. What is wrong with me? What can I do?