How do I handle the situation when my wife does not like my family members?

Question

Hello doctor,

I got married seven years ago. I have been facing issues with my wife for five years. My wife does not want to keep a relationship with my sister and my parents. We have one child also. Since, every time, I am becoming like a sandwich between my parents and wife. I have decided to stay separately with my wife and son for some time to see the effect. My wife never accepts her fault and always thinks that whatever happens is because of others. She scolds my sister and my parents badly. I cannot hear that. The problem is that my wife does not listen to anyone and does not accept her fault in any quarrel. Also, she does not forget and forgive people, always bringing past memories into the current discussion. Also, she believes that whatever she is speaking, whether good or bad, is because of the behavior of others around her. So, it is not her fault anytime. Even after living separately with her, we fight on petty matters. My wife does not want to discuss any fights between us because she always thinks that if she discusses things, I will point out her mistakes, and she considers it as blame and permanently shuts down. I can not share my feelings with her even if she is my life partner. I love her very much and cannot see her in trouble, but I love myself also, and every time I cannot say sorry for petty things because my wife never realizes her side of mistakes. There is no understanding between us, and because of that, issues keep on arising. I feel stressed whenever I fight with my wife. She does not generally behave like this, and whenever I try to discuss it with her, she shuts down. I feel bad as my wife does not keep any relationship with my sister or my parents. Kindly give me some tips based on my situation.

Answer 1

Hello,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

After carefully reading your text, I want you to reflect on the situation from the outside and not as husband and wife. Things from this story seem black and white. Everyone has a valid reason for their behavior. You might feel that you are looking from a balanced perspective, but it always comes from biases we have for another person. I want you to listen for the next two weeks and not react or say anything. Just observe. I suggest you follow these steps -

Step 1 - Listening is possible with this deep insight. You and the other are the same at the core. Intrinsically, we all need to receive love and a need to give love.

Step 2- Never turn your attention away from the other person’s face. Keep looking. Because in moments of turbulence, conflict, and pain, looking away from the other person’s face could be interpreted as disrespectful. So keep looking.

Step 3 - Breathe slowly. When you slow down your breathing, you will relax, and this will signal your brain to calm down. Slow down your breathing and start observing whatever is happening within you. What reactions does the other provoke within you? Whatever the other person’s words might be, they are not necessary. However, what those words do to you is essential. Do they trigger memories or specific reactions? How do they make you feel?

Be conscious of what is happening inside you. Once you become completely aware of your internal state, you will immediately notice a sense of peace and calm. Do not react with disappointment and pain. You can relate positively to your partner from this calm state of being. From a state of awareness, respond with a desire to help. Ask the other person how you can help them.

After this do contact me, let me know what happens.

Regards.

How do I handle the situation when my wife does not like my family members?

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