How to overcome difficulty in achieving orgasm alone or with a partner?

Question

Hi doctor,

I have been struggling with an issue where I am unable to achieve orgasm by myself. This has nothing to do with the method I am using. I know I have the ability to orgasm but only when I am with a partner. My ex-boyfriends have all stated that I am not difficult to please, but I have never been able to achieve orgasm by myself.

I recall attempting to do so a couple of times when I was fifteen, but it did not work, so I stopped trying. When I was eighteen, I got into a relationship that lasted sixteen months, but sex was always painful and unpleasant for me. Most of the time, I cried in pain, and it was a significant reason for our breakup. He believed that I had a mental issue since I had never orgasmed before and recommended me to see a specialist to address the problem.

Later, I met my first love and realized that there was nothing wrong with me. I experienced my first orgasm and had many more after that. My first love was like me and could not masturbate, so we had a great sex life. I recall having to be held down during sex, tied or with both arms and legs held, to achieve orgasm because I was highly sensitive.

Since we broke up, I have not had a healthy sex life as sex is usually painful and not enjoyable, but I still do it for my partner's sake. I have had other boyfriends since then, and as I move around a lot, I have been in many long-distance relationships. One of my exes suggested to buy a vibrator and explore myself to learn how to climax on my own. However, even after trying regularly for a year, I have not been able to achieve orgasm by myself. Every time when I am about to climax, the feeling becomes too intense, and I stop. If I were with a partner, he would have to hold me down to make me climax. With my partners, I usually try to fight them off before climaxing because the sensation is too much to handle, and they usually have to pin me down.

I have tried many things to overcome this issue, including relaxing, watching porn, reading books, trying different masturbation techniques, using sex toys, setting the mood with candles, and getting in the mood, but nothing seems to work. My friends and partners have suggested that it may be a mental block, and I believe that this is true. I just do not know how to overcome it. I have no history of sexual abuse, and some guys have emotionally hurt me, it has never affected me seriously. I would appreciate any advice on how to overcome this issue so that I can achieve orgasm on my own or with a future partner without having to be held down.

Thank you.

Answer 1

Hello,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

I have read your query and understand your concern.

Based on the details you have provided, it appears that the problem is more psychological rather than organic, as you were able to achieve orgasm with one boyfriend but find it difficult with others or by yourself.

One possible reason for this could be the presumption prior to sex that you will not achieve orgasm. Sometimes, one enjoys foreplay more with a particular person than others, and that could also be a reason for the lack of orgasm. Poor foreplay or even poor excitation can result in poor lubrication and constriction of vaginal muscles, which result in pain during sex. Pain itself psychologically reduces excitation, and thus orgasm becomes difficult.

One thing I would advise you to try is to have long foreplay. Do not anticipate that you will not achieve orgasm. Try to have foreplay in a hot water tub, which will result in the dilation of vaginal muscles and strong excitation. This will make for strong excitation.

Although there are not many drugs available for sexual issues in females, supplements containing L-arginine have great efficacy in females. The supplement will cause engorgement of the clitoral area and will help achieve a good orgasm. You can try this. Try to remain relaxed and avoid anticipating. You will definitely improve your sex life.

Regards.