How can one overcome feelings when brought up at ease with hate than with love?

Hello doctor,

I am 19 years old and cannot truly experience emotions. My parents used to argue frequently so some violence may have been involved. As a result, I grew up more at ease with hatred than love. I remember watching my parents have sex when I was around four or five. I had no idea what that was, but it wounded me. I kept wondering why he would injure her. I had a babysitter who was perhaps 19 at the time. She used to put on porn and compel me to watch it without protesting. I did that for a long time. It perplexed me, and I had no idea what was happening, but it sounded and looked like something my father would do. My father attempted to murder my mother seven years ago, but I prevented him. She begged me to save her, and I obliged. But that day, I left an indelible imprint on me.

I became a masochist after that encounter. I could sit and recollect my history, feeling so much agony and intensifying it to numbness. It became addicting, and I was continually craving more. The suffering was no longer enough. My actual past was insufficient. I began creating new scenarios and fitting them into my past. The agony became excruciating, yet I persisted. I stopped after a few years because I was exhausted. I have no feeling anything anymore. There is no joy and no peace. My eyes may well be filled with tears, yet I feel nothing. I lied to myself and others to blend in. When it comes to real-life circumstances, when I need to persuade others that I am who I say I am, I am a fantastic actress. My best buddy was there to aid me with some of my troubles. She has a kind heart. But what about right now? I am unable to communicate with her. I think chatting is foolish. The issues we discuss are entirely worthless. If she or any of my "friends" had a problem, I would assist and try my best to find a solution. But neither am I sad or compassionate; I am just pretending to be.

I may be sobbing and chatting while pretending to feel something. If she is too attentive, I stop pretending and simply observe her. I can experience great remorse for something I did not do. When I read about neonatal pornography, I could not sleep for a week, lost my appetite for approximately two weeks, and had continual anguish in my entire body, especially my chest, and I kept thinking. Only when I see or hear about mistreated, tormented, killed, or needy individuals do I experience actual feelings. I am experiencing true sadness, which is causing me to suffer. I feel like I would swap places with them if I could or that I could give myself up so it could all end. Or I would beg to have all the agony that other people experience and conceal it in my chest, to feel it and use it, to dull it as if it were nothing as if it was mine. My entire word is imagination. I cannot survive without either my books or my art. My life exists only in my mind. What is happening with people right now is merely pretending, which is lying.

My academic performance is excellent. My parents were overjoyed when I was picked by hundreds of applicants in my nation to attend one of the most significant institutions. All I knew was that I would continue my studies. People think I am a fantastic talker, an excellent coach, and a manipulator. I am not aware that I have an impact on others. They ask me a question, and I think for a moment before responding. I believe in logic and that everything is connected. All I do is find some logical strings to my true beliefs and speak them. People are impressed and call me a genius. I am not. I simply analyze stuff.

I am telling you this because I am perplexed. I have no desire to be like her. And I would want to seek expert assistance. But I simply cannot afford it. This is why I have to study hard and carve out a position for myself in this world so that I can afford to help others and alleviate their suffering. Could you assist me? At the very least, give me something to work on. I had a diagnosis and could conduct my research to help myself. Kindly help.