Q. My wife is not interested in sex. How to initiate a sexual relationship with her?

Answered by
Dr. Ashok Kumar Choudhary
and medically reviewed by iCliniq medical review team.
Published on Jan 11, 2018

Hi doctor,

I am a 36 year old male. I am a graduate and working for a MNC company. I got married in before 10 years and it is a love cum arranged marriage. My wife is also working with me. When I was in grade 3, I got introduced to sex by a male teacher. I used to go for tuition and he used me for homosexual. Almost for a year, I was abused by him. From that time I got interest towards sex, especially oral sex. Then, that teacher got transferred to a different school. I could not control the sexual urges, so I use to masturbate from those days when I am alone. But it never stopped me from concentrating on studies. Again, I got a homosexual relation with one of my male friends in grade 8. That relation went on for around six months. Later on during my UG, I got another male friend and had a homosexual relationship for around two years. It will not be very frequent. But, like monthly once or twice. I got the habit of smoking and drinking in my PG days. When I am alone and feel the urge, I used to masturbate.

I got a job and I got a chance to stay alone. I used to visit sex workers, but not frequently. I never liked to be in relation with different people. Instead, I like to stick with one girl who understand my feelings and co-operate. I got such a girl, she also a sex worker but she was not like money minded. She got some feeling towards me and gave me good moments in my life. This relation was there for around two years. At the same time, I worked hard and I got many promotions and salary increments.I met a girl in my office, who was brought up by her widow mom. She is not aware of many things, which the same age girls would know. I did not have any wrong intention towards her initially. One thing I like to mention here is that I never showed the other side of me to anyone. People still believe me, I am very good and loyal person. I got attracted towards the girl and we both started loving each other. Love was gentle and tender. She never used to come out with me. She is very scared to roam outside with a male. We got married. But, from the day one, she never used to show interest towards sex. She says sex is not the thing to enjoy and it is a sin. She also will not show any response towards sex. It is making me go crazy at times and I shouted at her. She will only cry and never change her attitude. As these continued, to control my urges I started again with masturbation, watching porn, etc., when I am alone. This was fine for these many days. Nowadays, masturbation is not giving the satisfaction to me. I am in a position like, I need a sex partner, who enjoys sex with me. I am not interested to have sex with multiple people. But, with a single person, who also enjoys sex like me. Another thing I like to mention was, we do not have a child yet. My wife got TB before marriage and her fallopian tubes were blocked. We went for years of treatment and no success. My wife did not show interest towards treatment much and we stopped it after two years. As she cannot bear a child for me and cannot sexually satisfy me, she is asking me to marry another girl. My situation is like I cannot cope up with her and proceed further in life due to unfulfilled urges and at the same time I cannot able to accept her offer and divorce her. If I leave her she will be left alone in her life. She is a good girl otherwise like she takes care of me when I fall ill, she prepares good food and when my parents use to visit us she will take care of them well. Now, every night is hell for me. It started taking me to the path of depression. I tried meditation, yoga, studying self-help books, etc. All worked for a short time only. Please help.

Dr. Ashok Kumar Choudhary

Andrology Geriatrics Psychiatry Psychologist/ Counsellor Psychotherapy Sexology
#

Hi,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

I read your query with keen interest and understand your concerns.

Although there are many things to intervene one thing requires immediate attention, which is mismatched sexual interest.

There are prevalent myths about sex and sexuality that make it difficult for them to engage in healthy sexual relationship. I think your wife can be helped with proper sex education and counseling and further she can be encouraged to initiate a relationship with you.

I understand her point to encourage you with a second marriage, but rather than opting for it you can see a marriage counselor. In my opinion, much can be helped with proper counseling in regard to regular sex and bearing children.

Regarding your problem, I do not think it is abnormal. As a young person your desires should be respected and fulfilled in a judicial manner.

Personally, I feel that yoga, meditation and other measures are good for you. But, it is not going to help the other person. In addition, no treatment can change the normal process of anybody and do not think you should suppress the normal desires and urges.

For further information consult a psychiatrist online --> https://www.icliniq.com/ask-a-doctor-online/psychiatrist

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