After taking cocaine, I usually end up with sexual chats about minors. Why?

Hi doctor,

I have a very unusual problem and quite honestly, I am petrified of the reply. But, I feel I need to talk about it and get a professional outlook on what is going on in my head. I am ashamed to admit that for many years I have had on and off problem with cocaine. I suffer with low self esteem, anxiety and depression and tend to use it as a confidence booster. Unfortunately, though the drug seems to turn me into a totally different person, but nothing like sober at all. Once I have taken cocaine, I get a strong sexual arousal and find myself talking in chat rooms with pretty much anyone. The one thing that is scaring me and making me feel sick to my stomach though, is the conversation I am having on these sites. I usually end up engaging in sick sexual conversation which is mostly about minors. When I am sober, I end up very distressed and confused and unsure as to where these thoughts and conversations come from. I would like to make you aware, however, that these thoughts only ever come about under the influence of drugs and not when sober. I would never engage in anything with a minor, in fact, when I hear stories about pedophiles, etc., in reality it makes me feel disgusted about how people could ever do such things. I take care of my nieces and nephews all the time and have never felt sexually attracted to them. On the whole, I actually have a very low tolerance for children and have even asked to be sterilized because they drive me mad. I am certain that I do not want any. However, I feel there must be something wrong with me to engage in such horrid conversations. Is there a chance that I subconsciously attracted to children? Or is this just the drugs causing me problems? Like I said, when I am sober, I do not think these thoughts and never even enter chat sites. I am currently on Sertraline and Quetiapine. I have been with my fiance for two years and know how much I love him. Please help me. I am so confused, upset and disgusted with myself.

Hello doctor,

Thank you for the reply

I have stopped taking cocaine since I submitted this question to you a few months ago and can honestly say that not once since becoming sober have I entered a chatroom or engaged in any conversations that I should not have, I am however still feeling the guilt of these conversations and am feeling extremely upset and disturbed by the things I have spoken about. I would love to be able to talk to family about how I am feeling but I feel too ashamed and feel as though they would regard me as sick and deem me a paedophile even though I know I am 100 percent fine and not interested in anything to do with children this way I am struggling to understand why when I was high these horrible thoughts and conversations came about, nobody will understand, would I be regarded as a paedophile? Is there some deep issue I do not realize about even though since I've become sober I've never engaged in anything and feel fine and normal