Q. Is a desire to have a mental illness a disorder by itself?

Answered by
Dr. Ajay Singh
and medically reviewed by iCliniq medical review team.
This is a premium question & answer published on Apr 13, 2018

Hello doctor,

I have something which affects me a lot. Basically, I desire to have a mental illness, I have been even faking certain symptoms. To be exact, I do actually have mental health problems, I am diagnosed with Asperger’s, bipolar disorder and OCD. However, I have a feeling I am not ill enough and I want to be much sicker than I am right now. I know that is not normal and I am incredibly ashamed of it. Right now I am in remission of BAP and I should be glad for that, but instead of it, I am desperate and unhappy. The only thing I want is a relapse and it is not just a wish, I am doing something for it. I go to sleep at different times every day to destroy my sleeping rhythm and I do not take my meds (Valproate for BPD) regularly. I always skip them on purpose in such a way that nobody can notice, I am afraid to stop taking them at all because of the potential reaction of my parents. Then there are things which I just pretend to look sick, for example, I tell people that I have bad dreams and sleep paralyzes frequently, while I almost do not.

When I was hospitalized with mixed mania and then with depression this year, I felt a strong need to be the sickest person in the psych ward or at least look like that. I made certain symptoms like hallucinations up. I also exaggerated everything. I had severe insomnia but I always purposely slept even less, I had meltdowns but some of them I triggered purposely or I just made them up. I self-harmed to look ill, not because of an inner need. I do not even know how sick I really was and what I just faked. I have heard about the factitious disorder and I wonder if I have it or not. I am not sure because I have a feeling it does not fit perfectly with me. Is a strong desire of having an illness a part of that disorder? Please, if you have an idea what is wrong with me, tell me. I am disgusted by myself, I want to stop this desire, faking and lying but it is just impossible. I am afraid to tell my real-life psychiatrist because he would not ever believe me on any real symptom then. I am also too ashamed to tell anyone I know. I am sorry this message is too long.



Welcome to

It is good that you are aware and trying to take the help of a psychiatrist.

You are suffering from borderline personality disorder. You like to take attention from people. You want to be pampered by your family and that is why you are looking for such an illness or faking illnesses.

It is your personality which makes you fake risky diseases out of anger or an emotionally unstable situation.

So, no one can help you until you want to take help for yourself. There is no medication that can change your nature or personality. Dialectic behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist can help you.

For more information consult a psychiatrist online -->

Was this answer helpful?


Same symptoms doesn’t mean you have the same problem. Consult a doctor now!

Related Questions:
I get negative thoughts periodically. Is this a mental illness?

I feel stuck with this mental condition ... Is this some kind of disorder or mental illness ...   Read full

Stress in a Broad Perspective - More Than Merely a Mental Illness!!

Stress is not just a mental illness ... of mental illness hospitals and psychiatrists ... Many people feel stress as only a psychiatric...   Read full

How do I deal with my racing thoughts about death?

You seem to be suffering from BPD (borderline personality disorder) ... You can take help from a psychologist to deal with the behavior problem and the psychiatrist can help you deal with the depressive ...   Read full

Also Read Answers From:

ideaComprehensive Medical Second Opinion.Submit your Case

Also Read

Monkeypox Virus - Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment, Complications, and Prevention
Monkeypox is a zoonotic viral disease. This virus got its name as it was first noticed in laboratory monkeys in the late...  Read more»
Tomato Fever - Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis, Treatment, and Prevention
Tomato fever is an unidentified and fast-spreading type of viral infection seen in young children. Scroll down to know m...  Read more»
Histrionic Personality Disorder - Causes, Signs, Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment
Histrionic personality disorder causes variations in the thinking ability of a person. Read this article to know more.  Read more»

Ask your health query to a doctor online?

Ask a Psychiatrist Now

* guaranteed answer within 4 hours.

Disclaimer: No content published on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical diagnosis, advice or treatment by a trained physician. Seek advice from your physician or other qualified healthcare providers with questions you may have regarding your symptoms and medical condition for a complete medical diagnosis. Do not delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice because of something you have read on this website. Read our Editorial Process to know how we create content for health articles and queries.