I have something which affects me a lot. Basically, I desire to have a mental illness, and I have been even faking certain symptoms. To be exact, I do actually have mental health problems, I am diagnosed with Asperger’s, bipolar disorder, and OCD. However, I have a feeling I am not ill enough, and I want to be much sicker than I am right now. I know that is not normal and I am incredibly ashamed of it. Right now I am in remission of BAP, and I should be glad for that, but instead of it, I am desperate and unhappy. The only thing I want is a relapse and it is not just a wish, I am doing something for it. I go to sleep at different times every day to destroy my sleeping rhythm, and I do not take my meds (Valproate for BPD) regularly. I always skip them on purpose in such a way that nobody can notice, I am afraid to stop taking them at all because of the potential reaction of my parents. Then there are things in which I just pretend to look sick, for example, I tell people that I have bad dreams and sleep paralyzes frequently, while I almost do not.
When I was hospitalized with mixed mania and then with depression this year, I felt a strong need to be the sickest person in the psych ward or at least look like that. I made certain symptoms like hallucinations up. I also exaggerated everything. I had severe insomnia but I always purposely slept even less, I had meltdowns but some of them I triggered purposely or I just made them up. I self-harmed to look ill, not because of an inner need. I do not even know how sick I really was and what I had just faked. I have heard about the factitious disorder and I wonder if I have it or not. I am not sure because I have a feeling it does not fit perfectly with me. Is a strong desire to have an illness a part of that disorder? Please, if you have an idea what is wrong with me, tell me. I am disgusted by myself, I want to stop this desire, faking and lying but it is just impossible. I am afraid to tell my real-life psychiatrist because he would not ever believe me on any real symptom then. I am also too ashamed to tell anyone I know. I am sorry this message is too long.