I have something which affects me a lot. Basically, I desire to have a mental illness, and I have been even faking certain symptoms. To be exact, I do actually have mental health problems, I am diagnosed with Asperger’s, bipolar disorder, and OCD. However, I have a feeling I am not ill enough, and I want to be much sicker than I am right now. I know that is not normal and I am incredibly ashamed of it. Right now I am in remission of BAP, and I should be glad for that, but instead of it, I am desperate and unhappy. The only thing I want is a relapse and it is not just a wish, I am doing something for it. I go to sleep at different times every day to destroy my sleeping rhythm, and I do not take my meds (Valproate for BPD) regularly. I always skip them on purpose in such a way that nobody can notice, I am afraid to stop taking them at all because of the potential reaction of my parents. Then there are things in which I just pretend to look sick, for example, I tell people that I have bad dreams and sleep paralyzes frequently, while I almost do not.
When I was hospitalized with mixed mania and then with depression this year, I felt a strong need to be the sickest person in the psych ward or at least look like that. I made certain symptoms like hallucinations up. I also exaggerated everything. I had severe insomnia but I always purposely slept even less, I had meltdowns but some of them I triggered purposely or I just made them up. I self-harmed to look ill, not because of an inner need. I do not even know how sick I really was and what I had just faked. I have heard about the factitious disorder and I wonder if I have it or not. I am not sure because I have a feeling it does not fit perfectly with me. Is a strong desire to have an illness a part of that disorder? Please, if you have an idea what is wrong with me, tell me. I am disgusted by myself, I want to stop this desire, faking and lying but it is just impossible. I am afraid to tell my real-life psychiatrist because he would not ever believe me on any real symptom then. I am also too ashamed to tell anyone I know. I am sorry this message is too long.
Welcome to icliniq.com.
It is good that you are aware and trying to take the help of a psychiatrist.
You are suffering from a borderline personality disorder. You like to take attention from people. You want to be pampered by your family, so you are looking for such an illness or faking illnesses. Your personality makes you fake risky diseases out of anger or an emotionally unstable situation. So, no one can help you until you want to take help for yourself. No medication can change your nature or personality. Dialectic behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist can help you.
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