How to politely manage temper tantrums of my elderly mother?

Hi doctor,

I am 48 years old and am taking care of my senior mother, who is now 90 years old. My father died nine years ago. I managed her house so she could live there with my sister. I drove there every two weeks and could not do it anymore due to many issues. My mother moved in here two years ago. A recent medical report showed that she still has good organ function, but she has spinal arthritis, atrial fibrillation, and bladder UTIs. Her mobility has decreased over the last few years since she cannot lose weight effectively. A few weeks ago, she was still running on a treadmill daily for 10 minutes. The untreated bladder infection with nitro treatment gave her extra fatigue, and the whole routine went out the door. She sees a weekly physiotherapist as well. He gave her a friendly caution that if she lost her mobility, it would result in a cane, walker, wheelchair, bed immobility, etc. But for longer walks, she needs a cane and walker. My life has significantly changed in the last few years.

Though single, I have a full-time job. She does only the minimum things in the household. I asked her to remain active. We have constant daily debates about her diet and minimum exercise. Today, I lost my anger by doing errands for her. She promised she would use the recumbent bike for a few minutes to help with the constipation. When I returned, she did not use it. This is just one example. I lost my temper. She deflects with comments, and it is soon my time to go or throw me out. When I asked her if she could improve, she never responded positively. Another doctor already told her bluntly that she appears to be a bit selfish in her overall attitude and the manner in which she has dealt with me. I have attempted to caution her politely in the months before. If this continues, I can no longer handle her. Nursing care homes are overfilled and do not have the best medical oversight.

I have a fairly strong science background and help to provide that day-to-day supervision. My two sisters cannot help out either due to reasons that are too long to explain. My mother also refuses support services coming into the house. I do not know what the solution here is. I even asked if I could bring in a counselor, but she did not want that. She is stubborn in many ways. Today's argument was the strongest so far, where I lost my temper, and I do not wish this to happen again.

Please help.

Thank you.

Hi doctor,

Thank you, doctor, for the reply.

During the day, she asks me to do several daily tasks. I do them quickly to please her. If she does not get them done quickly, I get sarcastic comments. When I asked how things could be improved, she stated that I should not repeat things. She should do some activities (drink water, exercise, and use a circulation booster for ankle edema) as often as possible.

I have not stated anything, and now she has not done anything. These activities will lead to more immobility or a higher risk of UTIs. She still has her full mental capacity. I have given her several compliments when she has done something well. She wrote a short autobio novel a few years ago. I have attempted to read a daily chapter to her, and she enjoys it. Unfortunately, I regret it when I allowed her to move in.

Thank you.

Hi doctor,

Thank you for the reply,

I typically come home for lunch and bring something to eat for her. I told her that I would not be at home tomorrow for lunch due to work. So, she prepared a sandwich for herself. She has too many things done easily for her. You told me to do not ignore her, but she takes everything for granted. I lost my temper today by yelling. I told her that you are an old selfish lady. I do not wish to go through this experience again. I advised her that I would bring her brochures for retirement homes as somewhat for getting attention. She angrily responded and I would not have to visit her again. I am just become mentally tired of this. The tips you provided above do not know if they really will work or just backfire.

Thank you.