How to overcome public fear and frustration?

Hi doctor,

I feel like I have serious mental issues. I cannot go out in public. I feel suffocated as soon as I see people. I start to panic, and it gets hard for me to breathe and the feeling of guilt haunts me for months, and it is stuck inside my head. And these emotions feel as if I am hurt physically; I have had a rough childhood. I have always been compared, pushed away, and punished by my family as a child, and I moved out of my parent's house when I was 16-year-old. Now I am 21-year-old, and these past events have not let go of me; no one around me sees me or hears me out. I put in a lot of effort to make someone else feel better, but in the end, I feel unappreciated and unwanted. And I always feel uncomfortable, feels like I have always done something terrible or something imperfect. And it has been impossible for me to open up to anybody now because when I did open up before, I got blamed, shamed, judged, and yelled at. I feel like I have to protect myself from everyone around me. I have tried to suicide many times, last year. Every attempt failed because I did not have the guts in me. All the negative events are frequently in my head; they keep appearing. Especially after I have an argument or when I feel frustrated, everything from the past hits me at once. And to calm down, I usually cut myself till I am calm, and my temper is uncontrollable when I lose my head. I am here because it is really expensive to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist in my place.

I want to know what I am dealing with here. Please help.

Hi,

Thank you for the reply.

I have contact with my family, but I feel like they are taking me for granted; it is all about money for them. My family is very strict, and my mother is very religious and would not listen to anything I had to say. With them, I felt like a slave; they would not send me out or let me participate in any sports or any other activities, or let me have friends. I could not even go out till I was 16 years I got freedom when I finally moved out but then I did not like the feeling I got from being outside.

Walking on the streets even makes me uncomfortable. It feels like a voice in my head keeps telling me that I am imperfect or that I am always going to mess something up and that I will never really be happy. I feel like I get judged out on the streets and at work. But I try to avoid these thoughts as much as I can, but they pile up into something that I cannot control, giving me suicidal thoughts. When I am by myself, I get lost in some thought, and when I snap out of it, I know that I have been talking to myself. This may not make any sense, but there is seriously a voice in my head, and I need it gone; I can not focus on anything. I have three friends in total, but they will be busy with work, and my girlfriend does not understand what I am going through. I am an engineer/technician, and I am satisfied with my work. I do not have diabetes or thyroid.

Thank you.