In spite of not scolding my kid for lying, she still lies. How can I get her to confide?
The following is an actual conversation between an iCliniq user and a doctor that has been reviewed and published as a Premium Q&A.
The following is an actual conversation between an iCliniq user and a doctor that has been reviewed and published as a Premium Q&A.
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Patient's Query
Hello doctor,
This query is regarding my daughter. She is 7 years old. She used to say things that happened at school openly. At home, I never scold her for telling the truth and even if she lies, if she comes and tells me that, I never scold her. She gets severe punishment and beating if she lies. But still, she lies. I wonder why. She hates hearing no from me. I fear that if I say no to her, she would not confide in me and do things behind my back, as she does now. How can I make her confide in me?
Hello,
Welcome to icliniq.com.
Dealing with a 7-year-old could be difficult. Acceptance is the key when dealing with them. Accept what she says without being judgmental. Rather than telling her what is right/wrong, tell her why right is right and let her do the decision making. Rather than scolding her for lying, appreciate and reward her when she speaks the truth. You can reward her more, when she confesses her lie. I suggest you read 'token economy' on the internet. It is an excellent way of weakening the undesirable behavior and strengthening the desirable behavior. In it, children are given tokens every time they do a desirable behavior and those tokens are exchanged at the weekend for something that they desire like sweets/toys. A regular and dedicated system of token economy works wonders in the long term. Hope this helps. Thank you
Patient's Query
Hello doctor, thank you so much for the reply.
This query is regarding my 7-year-old daughter. I do not scold her for anything other than when she tells lies. Then I hit her and pinch her. Other than that, whenever she does anything naughty and comes home, I never scold her. So she always comes and tells me whenever she does naughty stuff. I took her to her friend's home a day back. Twice, when I saw them doing something, she saw me and stopped what she was doing (as simple as opening the wrapper of her friend’s lollipop) and then gave me a look as if she was super scared of me and that I might scold her. She has done so many worse things than this and I have never scolded her. She knows that. And also I heard her telling her friend that she was super scared of me. I felt so hurt. I was wondering what I did, that was wrong I am doing whatever she asks me to. This friend’s house is over an hour’s drive from our home. And I got everything that her friend loves when we went there. And I never scold her. Only when she lies to me I scold her. Then I scold her beat her and pinch her. The things that I ask her not to do, she does behind my back. Is there a way to stop that? I asked her if she was scared of me. She said no. Then I asked her why she said so to her friend. She did not say anything. I asked many Times. Still, she did not say anything and gave me a stubborn look. I got so hurt and hence got angry that I pinched her and hit her like anything. Still, she did not say. I told her that telling the truth has never got her any beatings. And asked her to come and tell me what the reason is. Till then I am not friends with her. And I am not minding her. She has not come and told me so far. Does not she need me at all? I have not spoken to her either. How can I resolve this? Am I doing the right thing? Am I a good mother? Please advise how to deal with her doctor.
Thank you.
Hello,
Welcome back to icliniq.com.
As I suggested the last time, I will recommend that you do not hit, pinch, or physically or mentally hurt her. If hitting her had worked, she would not be still lying. It could be counterproductive, meaning her lies may have increased because of you hitting her. I would suggest that you see a counselor for proper guidance on parenting. You need to understand child psychology to train their behavior. It does not come naturally. If she has not returned to you yet, then there is something seriously wrong about your relationship with her. This will need a detailed assessment and then necessary corrections.
It is not possible to do it online without interviewing her. A counselor or psychologist could be of immense help.
I hope this helps.
Thank you.
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