Q. I am not able to be patient with my high conflict wife. Please help.

Answered by
Dr. Vandana Patidar
and medically reviewed by Dr. Divya Banu M
This is a premium question & answer published on Feb 27, 2019

Hello doctor,

I am having marital issues. I have a lot of anger and do not react well to my wife with very little patience. She is high conflict. I struggle because many things become bigger issues than they should be and emotional abuse occurs followed by verbal abuse. She will deny things she does or says later on. She yells very quickly and goes from 0 to 100. I am direct. I can be critical. I am grumpy for some days. If something bothers me she cannot take it. We argue, we can go back and forth whoever initiates but she turns it up to yelling and aggressiveness too quickly so I push back.

I have become verbally abusive as I told her not to curse long ago. She yells and curses so I immaturely followed suit. Now I am off the handle. I name call and curse because she loses it quickly and tries to take control and I cannot handle it well at all. Is this mutual abuse? She can get physical at times. Then I do something to make her stop and scare her. I do not ever hit her but I am forced to get aggressive. I am very reactive. I start in or can criticize but I do not start screaming and yelling as soon as she does. I need a break down here for clarity. Fights go off the handle. Very bad. We love each other but we fight way too often and with harsh name calling especially now on my end. She starts with bad words and I can lose it. It is bizarre that we have so much love, no deceit, but we cannot get it together.

Together two years. Married 4.5 months. I am 40 she is 28. She has a history of being verbally abused. I have anger that once triggered is fiery. We spend an awful lot of time together. She is not working, just taking online classes. So she is home a lot. I am working part-time hours for now. What do you think? We have to fix this. The cursing and yelling and battling and jealousy is a lot. Both ends there. Please let me know what this looks like as far as abuse.

#

Hi,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

Marriage is a relationship which demands most of our compromise, understanding each other, handling each other's fault and try to maintain an equilibrium but at times the equilibrium disturbs and it results into a series of conflicts. One thing leads to other and even small things starts irritating as the dissatisfaction from relationship occurs. Our thoughts start imagining things in extreme. So there remains always a state of unrest at both the sides. The best way to go with it are:

Sit together, go to a dinner or a park, make rules of conversation like each one will speak one by one, no interruptions while first one is speaking. Set some rules at home like no shouting or yelling or using bad words. Try to control the response, the biggest problem always remain is we respond too quickly and stop listening and start blaming another one. If you people can, then try to get some marital therapy sessions, they will help you a lot. Plan some holidays, give her small gifts and surprises, give evidence of your love to her.

Hi doctor,

Thank you for your help. I will do all of those things. Last question. She will repeatedly ask questions that pertain to my devotion to her. For example, do you look at other women? Do you flirt with women at work? Did anything happen recently like a woman approaching you or looking at you? If women come on TV or if there is nudity she will become mad which I understand but she can take it out on me if I do not look away from the TV. It is repetitive questioning as if there is doubt or disbelief on her end and she interrogates me. Any suggestions? Does telling her to stop and to trust me fuel the fire? Because she does not respond well to that.

#

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

When the husband relationship is not going well, then distort doubting each other of having some distractions or affairs. It also had their self-esteem and think that they are not good enough for their partners so he is looking at the other women. In this situation, I would recommend you to have a conversation with your wife and tell her that you love her and as we discussed in the previous answer, try to follow those steps. I do not think it will backfire on you.


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