These past few days I have been bad as I have focused back on my schizophrenia obsession. It mainly focuses on times I have been paranoid, or times I have visualized things as something else. Examples: when slacking off at work thinking, what if there are cameras in the office or internet tracking software. When having a bad intrusive thought thinking, what if someone around me can read my thoughts and thinks I am crazy. Seeing the silhouette of something really far away and imagining it is something else like a door stopper from very far away looks like the shape of a bird or a sandbag propped in the shape of a cat.
These are just a couple of examples that make me fear I am paranoid/delusional or on the edge of hallucinating things. There are other ones along those same lines that pop up on random occasions that I do not necessarily believe 100% but the possibility still causes me anxiety. Then the fact that they cause me anxiety causes me even more anxious after the fact wondering if these are paranoid or delusional thoughts.
I have talked to my therapist about these fears in the past but I may have left something out or not brought up these examples in clear enough detail. She does not believe I have schizophrenia. I also have talked to a psychiatrist and she told me these types of paranoid ideas may occur in anxiety or depression.
I am just terrified that paranoia is not a symptom of OCD and my poor vision cannot explain the minor visual imaginings (not even hallucinations just premature constructions of shapes/outlines) and that I am not taking appropriate action to combat a much deeper mental illness.
My only issue with my thoughts is that they did not occur after I started fearing schizophrenia. I have always had general anxiety. They all have happened throughout my past. After I started fearing schizophrenia I combed through my memories to try to find evidence that I am developing it. And in that rumination process, I picked out all the times I have had paranoid thoughts. Though I usually do not believe the thoughts or hold them to be true, I still get anxious at 'what if'. I am hoping that is the defining characteristic that proves they are products of anxiety and OCD versus schizophrenia. Am I schizophrenic? Could it be just anxiety? I also have an uncle who is schizophrenic and that always scares me. Does it mean I am too?