Q. I lack desire for sexual intimacy. Is there any chance it could be something deeper psychologically?

Answered by
Dr. Siva Anoop Yella
and medically reviewed by Dr. Chithranjali Ravichandran
This is a premium question & answer published on Apr 07, 2021

Hello doctor,

I am a male. My wife and I have a sexless marriage life. This is because of my lack of desire for sexual intimacy. We are very emotionally intimate (massage, kisses, hugs, sweet words) every day, but every time she wants to take it further, I do not want to. I do not want to be “turned on.” I love the sweetness of our relationship without having sex. I do not want to be with anyone else. We have been married for nine years, and most of that time, we have been sexless. We were very active at the beginning of our marriage for about a year or two, and then we stopped. I do not masturbate and am not turned on when I am by myself. No history of sexual abuse. I have had my testosterone tested, and it came back with normal average results. My wife has had enough and wants to know why I do not want to be sexually intimate with her, and for so long. I do not know the deeper psychological reasons behind my lack of desire, possibly even fear, other than it seems so much nicer not to have sex. I offered to buy some herbs that help with low libido, and she is not satisfied with that. She wants to know the reason why. Can you please throw out some possible causes for this based on my background? I want to have some directions I can explore as to why.



Welcome to icliniq.com.

I understood what you have been going through, and I am here to help you out.

May I know if you have any difficulty in erection while you both are having intimacy?

Do you have erections when you both kiss each other?

Do you have any premature ejaculation of semen within 1 to 2 minutes?

May I know why there is a fear of having sexual intercourse? Any particular reason you want to mention?

Hello doctor,

We have sex maybe once or twice a year, but I have had some difficulty with erections during sex more recently. One time I was fully losing my erection and having to stop. Often times I will just not be fully erect. I get erections when we kiss sometimes or if I massage her. Usually not full erections, though. No premature ejaculation. As for the fear, the best way I can describe it is that I have the fear of the feeling of hormones rushing through my body when I am already feeling so content in her company.



Welcome back to icliniq.com.

I understood that the problem is arising due to erectile dysfunction and also loss of sexual desire. It is termed hypoactive sexual desire. I recommend you to consult a psychiatrist nearby in your country for prescription of medications. You will need medications for the same so that you will have normal sexual desires soon.

Good luck.

If there is anything else I can help you out with, please do not hesitate to ask.

Hi doctor,

Is this a common issue? Is there any chance it could be something deeper psychologically? I am hoping to get some other ideas of what this could mean psychologically.Also, the erectile dysfunction issue happened five years after we stopped having sex. So I am wondering how that could be the cause.



Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Yes, there is a possibility of a psychological cause. As you mentioned, stopping having sex has caused erectile dysfunction, and also, the fear you are having might be the cause. Suppose there is any other stress in your life at work or any other stress financially. These would also be causing you such issues. Basically, stress can be the leading cause of erectile dysfunction. I suggest you get rid of the fears you are having and start having sex frequently to get back your interest which you had previously, and eventually, there are high chances that your erectile dysfunction to subside.

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