I hate myself and my life because my biggest enemy and weakness is me. I am the biggest trouble maker of mine. I am stupid and foolish. I have grown up in the environment of too much care, fear and adopted fear in my nature. I have too much hesitation and assertiveness. My communication is very poor and cannot express in a polite manner giving an impression like an arrogant. What I feel inside is good but cannot express as easily because I feel ego. My biggest problem is fear. I shout loudly in sleep sometimes. I always feel I do not know anything and others feel bad about me and I will be shameless.
I used to depend the most on parents and I used to do what they say. My life decisions also I cannot take myself and did what they said. I came to a city for pursuing a degree. I felt inferior by looking at the environment. I used to stay in a small room and I did not even know any languages properly, not even my mother tongue because that slang was not that good. I tried and could not complete the course, wasted that fee also. When I got backlogged for exam fee and attendance shortage, I had to keep my dad's watch in pawn brokers shop. Later my dad came to know and screwed up like anything. I did not like all these by hurting my parents and cheating them. 10 years got wasted. I did fraud things like this.
After that long gap, I was in big trouble and my mind became blank. Do not know what to do. I feel shame about myself. I started social media chatting to overcome my emotions and got addicted. I wanted to get easy money so I got attracted by the lottery but never got anything. I tried online easy money sites also. I got a small job in a hospital for 6500/- per month, that also closed after two years. I searched for some other jobs, I got offered for small pay and my dad suggested doing a business with the help of one of my uncles.
I deposited some amount to start the business in our town itself. We completed the project on time and submitted, but he did not pay and said the client cheated. I started searching for other projects, but all looked like fake or some other risky things. Depression got doubled. Then I joined RK Math and did a personality development course and attend some classes. As per my brother's suggestion, I learned SAP and did certification, could clear it successfully. I studied B. Sc in correspondence due to the long gap in education. I did not get a job in any good MNC. So I had to join some small company without pay.
After eight months, they sent me for a project on TATA steel. I struggled a lot to adopt with Hindi, atmosphere and work environment also. It took almost six months to get adopted in those circumstances. I worked there for around two years. I had to leave this job because of less pay and homesickness.
I applied for many companies and placed in a small company. I felt a bit relaxed. I did well in the interview. I proud this moment, because I got it with my own efforts. Good MNC's is not accepting me for the gap in education. I feel every time work pressure and insecurity of losing the job. My parents are very much worried about me. I am no more can avoid this worry from them. Whatever, I do not want to give them any worries and let them enjoy and live peacefully.
I feel like ending my life and let my parents be relaxed and live peacefully since I am no more supporting my family and becoming like a big burden on them. My age is 34 and not married where all of my friends settled and married, living happily. All good things happening lately. I need discipline, good daily routine, good attitude, enjoy the work and the way of life. I should behave politely and confidently. Enjoy work and challenges I am facing. I want to lead happy life with peace and enjoy all challenges and grow in life honestly.
Welcome to icliniq.com.
I can understand your concern. First of all, stop blaming yourself for anything. You are not your biggest enemy and you are not a trouble maker. Your anger is getting directed to yourself only and this has resulted in depression.
Repeated failures (whatever be the reason) resulted in a state of helplessness and you lost your confidence. Due to shifting from a small town to city and then language issues all resulted in poor performance in studies and which ultimately costed failure in engineering. After that, you could not finish your studies and then got deceived in business and ultimately this also failed. All these setbacks resulted in learned helplessness. Your anger is towards yourself and this is the main reason for your depression.
First of all, keep one thing in mind that never leave a job unless you are sure that you will be getting a good offer. Since there is a study gap so you will have to try hard in order to get a good offer. Continue to do your work sincerely and you will definitely get success.
Suicidal ideation, low mood, poor confidence, etc, all resulted in severe depression. If you are not able to control your depressive symptoms then please consider consulting a psychiatrist for opinion. Out of your depression, you are getting irritated and this is resulting in arrogant behavior which later causes guilt. So to come out of these symptoms please visit a psychiatrist for treatment.
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