Hello doctor,
I hate myself and my life because my biggest enemy and weakness is me. I am the biggest trouble maker of mine. I am stupid and foolish. I have grown up in the environment of too much care, fear and adopted fear in my nature. I have too much hesitation and assertiveness. My communication is very poor and cannot express in a polite manner giving an impression like an arrogant. What I feel inside is good but cannot express as easily because I feel ego. My biggest problem is fear. I shout loudly in sleep sometimes. I always feel I do not know anything and others feel bad about me and I will be shameless.
I used to depend the most on parents and I used to do what they say. My life decisions also I cannot take myself and did what they said. I came to a city for pursuing a degree. I felt inferior by looking at the environment. I used to stay in a small room and I did not even know any languages properly, not even my mother tongue because that slang was not that good. I tried and could not complete the course, wasted that fee also. When I got backlogged for exam fee and attendance shortage, I had to keep my dad's watch in pawn brokers shop. Later my dad came to know and screwed up like anything. I did not like all these by hurting my parents and cheating them. 10 years got wasted. I did fraud things like this.
After that long gap, I was in big trouble and my mind became blank. Do not know what to do. I feel shame about myself. I started social media chatting to overcome my emotions and got addicted. I wanted to get easy money so I got attracted by the lottery but never got anything. I tried online easy money sites also. I got a small job in a hospital for 6500/- per month, that also closed after two years. I searched for some other jobs, I got offered for small pay and my dad suggested doing a business with the help of one of my uncles.
I deposited some amount to start the business in our town itself. We completed the project on time and submitted, but he did not pay and said the client cheated. I started searching for other projects, but all looked like fake or some other risky things. Depression got doubled. Then I joined RK Math and did a personality development course and attend some classes. As per my brother's suggestion, I learned SAP and did certification, could clear it successfully. I studied B. Sc in correspondence due to the long gap in education. I did not get a job in any good MNC. So I had to join some small company without pay.
After eight months, they sent me for a project on TATA steel. I struggled a lot to adopt with Hindi, atmosphere and work environment also. It took almost six months to get adopted in those circumstances. I worked there for around two years. I had to leave this job because of less pay and homesickness.
I applied for many companies and placed in a small company. I felt a bit relaxed. I did well in the interview. I proud this moment, because I got it with my own efforts. Good MNC's is not accepting me for the gap in education. I feel every time work pressure and insecurity of losing the job. My parents are very much worried about me. I am no more can avoid this worry from them. Whatever, I do not want to give them any worries and let them enjoy and live peacefully.
I feel like ending my life and let my parents be relaxed and live peacefully since I am no more supporting my family and becoming like a big burden on them. My age is 34 and not married where all of my friends settled and married, living happily. All good things happening lately. I need discipline, good daily routine, good attitude, enjoy the work and the way of life. I should behave politely and confidently. Enjoy work and challenges I am facing. I want to lead happy life with peace and enjoy all challenges and grow in life honestly.