HomeAnswersPsychiatrysense of insecurityMy boyfriend is insecure and possessive. How do I deal with it?
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How to deal with my jealous boyfriend?

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The following is an actual conversation between an iCliniq user and a doctor that has been reviewed and published as a Premium Q&A.

Answered by

Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Medically reviewed by

iCliniq medical review team

Published At November 27, 2022
Reviewed AtSeptember 26, 2023

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

How to deal with my jealous boyfriend? He is always the first one to start an argument. He is so insecure that the last time we were having lunch, he told me he wanted to leave because I glanced at a guy. He then thought I was trying to flirt with him. Honestly, I did not took a glance at another guy. He told me that if this happened again, he would start looking at other girls to ensure I knew how he felt. I do not know what to do.

Kindly help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

If he is not letting you look at another guy, that too an accidental look, then that is very wrong. He is saying he might leave you if you repeat this. This is not a good thing. The first thing you should do is to become more assertive and tell him sternly that trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and if he cannot develop trust in you, then it is his fault and not yours. Ask him same should apply to him also if he looks at any other girl. His demands might increase if you do not say anything to him. Also, tell him what you think about him when he is calm. Try to convey your feelings to him. He should feel more confident in that case.

Thank you.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

Thank you for being so helpful. I tried many times to reassure him, but nothing seemed to work. One day he became angry because one of my coworkers asked me to drink with him. Then he was upset because another of my coworkers gave me a small gift from his honeymoon. He gave it to all my colleagues as well. Still, I cannot help but think that my boyfriend has serious trust issues.

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Yes, it appears that he has trust issues. But trust is one of the most important factors in any relationship. You have to make things clear to him. Tell him how you feel about him and, at the same time, make him clear that you will not accept the behavior he shows during trust issues. You have an independent identity, and he should respect this. Possessiveness always proves wrong in the long term.

Thank you.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for the reply,

I have spoken with my boyfriend about his trust issues, and he seems willing to get counseling to improve his behavior. Honestly, I am not sure he will improve, and I am scared of what the future holds. Some people told me that these types of behavior never improve. He told me he needed time to improve and asked if I would stay by his side in this process. I am scared that he will not improve.

What should I do?

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Though the final decision is up to you. But if you wish then you can give him one more chance. If he is ready to take counselling sessions this means that he is accepting that he is doing something wrong. This cannot be ignored. He might be having personality traits but this is not a personality disorder. But while he is taking sessions or taking time at that time if he shows any kind of wrong behaviour then stop him sternly. Tell him that you will not tolerate this in polite manner. He should have idea that his wrong behaviour is bothering you. He should develop and also show respect to your personality. He should develop trust in you.

Thank you.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for the reply,

I have told him that I am not willing to deal with the same behavior in the near future. He comes from a family in which her mother experienced domestic violence from his father. So it is possible that he might be like his father in the future? If he is already insecure, he might become controlling.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

What was his reaction when you let him know that you would not accept this behavior? Domestic violence though not proven actually, but yes, that imparts affects a child’s behavior. If violence in the home is common, then yes, he might show violence in the future. But I cannot say this with certainty. He might change too. Yes, he is indirectly trying to control. He should know his boundaries. He should respect your independence, and he should have trust in his partner.

I hope this helps.

Thank you.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for the reply,

When I told him that I was not willing to put up with the behavior like that, he told me he needed to work on himself and that it takes time. He told me he would not behave like that but also said that I should be patient with him and trust his healing process. Yesterday, however, he told me that his behavior was due to his past relationships and that things like that could happen. At this point, I am so confused, to be honest. He admitted that he had made a mistake by doubting me.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

If he is admitting his mistake, then at least he has no personality disorder. Accepting mistakes means his personality is not fixed, and he, too, is ready to make changes in behavior. Yes, you also should be patient with him, give him time, and he should improve his behavior. But during the process, do not compromise your rights and independence. Whenever you see his behavior is controlling or has trust issues like things, then at the very same point, tell him that this is wrong again and that you will not accept this. This will help in controlling his bad behavior. Rest just remain relaxed. Everything will be fine with time.

Take care.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for the reply.

My boyfriend is dealing with domestic violence at home, and we do not see each other very often. He is trying to protect his mother from his father because he is aggressive. I do not know what to do, honestly. It really pisses me off that I do not get the chance to see him. He is only talking about his family situation nowadays.

What should I do?

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com

That depends upon your priorities. First of all, you should decide what kind of relationship is that. If you are thinking about a long-term relationship, then yes, there are some red flags. You people do not meet often. He is more concerned about his family situation. You are worried because of all these things; this also shows that in your mind, you are not very sure. He gets angry on trivial issues like you just glanced at a guy. He should not be controlling. If he is like this, then you should rethink your relationship, but if this change in behavior is situational, then you can give him some time. Just think about what is good for you and what is better for your future. You will be able to decide rightly.

Take care.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you so much for your help.

I know he is in a difficult situation because of his father. However, I think it is important to think of your partner's feelings as well. I asked him when he was planning to meet me, but he replied that he did not know yet. My feeling is that I am like a puppet for him. He is too focused on his family situation. We had so many planning this winter together.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Yes, this is why I asked you to think about the relationship again. Think about what is right for you and what is better for the future. If you have feelings that you are like a puppet for him and he is not giving you proper time, then yes, you should rethink about the relationship. In a healthy relationship, there is no place for such kind of thoughts. If one partner has such thoughts, then there must be something wrong. Wait for some time, and if the situation does not improve, then you have to decide for yourself.

I hope this has helped you.

Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for the reply.

I have tried to express my feelings to him. I told him over the phone that we needed to see each other more often. That I am feeling like a puppet. Honestly, he told me that he did not know what to say, and it shocked me. I do not think he truly understands my feelings.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

If he says that he does not know what to say then that means that he is not recognizing the issues you are facing. I think initially you told me that he assured you that he shall improve. But if he is not much interested in meeting you often, then we can not just ignore this. Rest that depends upon you. If he is persistently ignoring you and not appreciating your feelings, then you should think about what is best for you.

I hope this helps you out.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for your reply.

We are going to meet for Christmas vacation. To be honest, we have argued a lot these days. I know that it is normal to have different points of view. However, I also think that if a person persistently tells you that everybody has flaws, that either is not that positive. I am the kind of person that does not accept criticism. Maybe that is a problem?

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Try to have fewer arguments. Meet on Christmas and hope for the best. Do not anticipate wrong things and focus on good things only. Try to come out of this bad phase of the relationship.

I hope this has helped you out.

Take care.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for your reply.

We should have met on Christmas and my birthday, but he did not show up. He was too busy dealing with his family problems. He is really upset about it, but he should also consider that he has a partner. At this point, I do not know how to break up with him. This option is concrete, and I do not know the best way to tell him that it is time to finish our story.

Please give me a solution.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

If he does not consider you a priority, you should move out. Try to stop contacting him. No need to tell him directly. Just stop talking. You can say it to him if he does not understand. Kindly decide what is good for you.

I hope this has helped you out.

Take care.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for the reply,

I decided to break up with him. He told me that he was planning to do the same but after fixing his family situation. I told him that there was no need to wait if he had already decided. He told me many horrible words. I hope one day, he will realize that none deserves to be told such awful things as he did.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

You did the right thing. Now stop thinking about him. Do not feel guilty. He himself is saying he was planning for this. This means that you did the right thing. He said many horrible words to you. This was not good behavior. Just remain relaxed now.

Best wishes.

Thanks.

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

Thank you for your help.

I am dealing with the breakup stages. I am trying to distract myself, but my mind constantly thinks of him. It is hard to get over him.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

This will take some time. The mind is meant to adapt to changes. Just remain hopeful that everything shall improve with time. You will be in a good mood in some days. Try to distract yourself by going outdoors and spending time in outdoor activities. Do not sit alone.

Thanks.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

Thanks for replying.

I am starting to feel a little bit better. It has been already two weeks since the breakup. I should admitt I am feeling better without him around. I think it was the right choice. I haven't heard from him since then, even if he might go back to me I am firmly convinced that I deserve a better partner.

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

This is good that you are doing well and are recovering from emotional stress. Don’t even think about him now. Just focus on your well being, focus on your mental health and focus on your physical health. Try to remain outdoors and spend time in doing creative activities and the things you love. This will make your time more pleasurable. Hope for best and you will do better than you are doing now. Yes keep one thought in mind that you deserve better person who reciprocates your feelings.

Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

Thank you so much for your help.

I am trying to distract myself from thinking about him. He still follows me on social media despite the break up. Is It a normal behaviour?

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Yes, that is normal but since both of you are not with each other, it is better you should block him. This will make you more free and confident. This is a minor thing but you should not even think about him now. You have already given enough time. Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

Thanks for your reply.

I still think about him sometimes. What to do?

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

You are doing good and will be stronger in coming days. Just don’t loose your strength. The past episode is over and now spend time in self improvement. It is normal to have sad mood when a person visits the place where he/she used to visit. This is due to conditioning but one has to move past these things. Just remain relaxed, try to find relaxation in outdoor things. You will be alright.

Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello,

Thanks doctor.

My healing process is doing great. I've discovered so many things about my self . Now I am currently dealing with anxiety during driving exam. I have taken the exam two times. I am really good at driving as my instructor told me multiple times. I don't know how to deal with anxiety because I really want to pass the exam . I like driving so much.

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Anxiety can occur in any individual. Don’t keep any negative thoughts about this. You are doing good and just ignore these episodic exacerbations of anxiety. Try not to anticipate anything while taking exams. Don’t over think about anything. Performance anxiety is not an abnormal thing. One just learn to accept and ignore this. Breath holding exercises can help to control these kind of anxiety.

Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

Thanks for replying.

I went on a date with a guy I met at work . He seems really nice but slightly shy. Is this a bad sign? It never happened to me before.

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

You are a well grown adult and even you can message him. If you are thinking that he is okay then you can go ahead.

Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello, We have been chatting for a while and he asked me on a date. It was a nice evening but there were also some moments of silence. It never happened on my dates . I think we were just getting to know each other. He also broke up with his girlfriend after 7 years. So it plays a big deal right ?
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again Both of you have started going out just recently and it is normal to have some moments of silence during dates. This is not a big deal. Please don’t anticipate much and also try not to compare any moment to any thing in past. Just try to enjoy the present time. Also don’t analyse minor things. Try to suppress any kind of negative thoughts. In some days everything should be fine. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello again, We might go on a second date. He told me that this time it's my turn to choose an activity to do . I think he wants to see what can I suggest but also he seems insecure . I told him plethora of activities and he doesn't even know what to choose.
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again As we discussed earlier too please don’t over think and also don’t over analyse. If both of you want to see each other again then that is a good think. You should swim with flow. The flow will take you in right direction. What ever you want and where you want to go with him, you suggest him and meet there. That would be a great experience. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello again, We went on our second date and we had a great time together but every move of him reminded me of my ex. Is it normal ?
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

Memories can come but you have to suppress these memories. With time you will be more comfortable with him and you will see the thoughts fading. Don’t think much about this. We can say this normal too because this was your second date only.

Hope it helps.

Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

We've been going out for a while. He told me that he likes me but honestly I have the gut feeling like he is playing with my feelings. Let me explain I told him that I want to visit him this weekend but he didn't seem enthusiastic. He was the one who went to pick me up all these times. So I decided it was time to surprise him. I thought he would be happier but he was composed. I don't know what to think. What to do?

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Don’t anticipate wrong things. Just focus on present times.

Why are you stressed? You might be overanalysing the things and this could be bothering you.

As of now just focus on present times and enjoy your time. Don’t think much about the future. Just swim with flow and you will be alright.

Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

I think I fear of being hurt that's why everything that doesn't appear right to me. I will try to enjoy present moments . We haven't really known each other for that long.

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hello again. Yes please don’t get afraid of anything. You have to learn to trust and this will take some time. But you will be alright in everything in coming days. Hope for the best. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello, We've been hanging out for a while. It seems going well but he doesn't really seem involved in knowing more about me. He rarely asks me about my day at work. Also during Easter he is spending time with his friends. He haven't invited me to join them. Maybe he still needs time to know me better or maybe he is not that into me?
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again. Please don’t overthink. You have just starting going out. With time he will be more closer to you. If he is spending time with friends then this doesn’t mean that he is not into you. Don’t get afraid of this. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello , Thankyou for your reply. I've started driving my car since I've finally got my driving license. I still have to learn a lot cause I've drived only with my instructor. My parents are so delusional and they even told me to give up driving. I don't want to because I know that I will improve. The thing is they don't trust me. What else can I do?
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again Since you got the licence so you should drive. Practice will improve the skills too. With time your parents will be relieved. Right now they might be stressed and this is not abnormal. Driving shall keep you busy too. Other things that can help a lot are reading a good book of your interest. This will improve the knowledge. Learning a new skill like playing a music instrument too should help. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello again, Unfortunately things with the guys I date arent great . We rarely see each other. He constantly busy at work. He works in a family company that repears caravans . He also doesn't tell me that he misses me . I asked him to go out on the weekends but he told he couldn't . Honestly I am confused . If a guy is interested he will find time to see the partner . This is not the case for him. I am really pissed off.
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again You can give him some more time. I hope he will develop more interest in you. He might be busy really and this could be possibility that he really has not much free time. If, when he is with you he is enjoying the time then I think you should wait a little more. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello, I am trying to be positive but it is hard . Sometimes I think he is just playing with my feelings. When we meet he always cuddles and kisses me. However these weeks he seems distant . He took 6 hours to reply to my message. I've thought maybe I am not the right girl for him . If you are interested in a person you will pursue him/her.
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again Don’t think that he is playing with your feelings. If he is engaging with you when he is with you then don’t overthink about this. He could be busy with his work. Right now he might have many priorities. He would take some time to understand the feelings of you. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello, I hope he is not playing with my feelings. I don't want to suffer again. The only thing that bothers me is that he doesn't have time to see me during weekends. Honestly I thought he cheated on me or that he doesn't want to see me at all . I don't know how to behave right now .
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi thanks for asking. It is very early to doubt him and also very early to believe him. You people are seeing each other for few months only. Don’t get very much emotional on this thing. Just remain neutral and let the time decide what is best for you. You shall be alright. Just give your relationship some time. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello , I will give him more time. It's been almost 3 weeks since we last saw each other . I miss him so deeply but that's not the same for him . He never told he misses me . He hasn't asked me to hang out these weeks.
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again If he is not asking you why not you ask him. Things should go smoothly. As I mentioned don’t overthink and don’t let negative thoughts run you mind. If he is ready to go out with you then I don’t think this is a big problem. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello again, I tried to propose to him to hang out but he keeps saying he is too busy working . He told me that he is exausted and he hopes to be done soon. Honestly I cannot just sit there and wait for nothing. I feel like I am wasting my energy for this guy. I know that people are busy but if you don't have time to see someone you like that's a problem. I am so tired waiting for him
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again I think this has happened first time that you asked him to go out and he is not giving you time. This should not happen. I think you should not stop sending him messages or calls and wait for his call or message. Don’t over engage yourself and try to keep yourself busy in other things. In some days you will feel better and if he contacts you then that would make things more clearer. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

Thanks for replying.

He replied that he wants me but doesn't have time these days. What to do?

Please help.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
i again If he reverted back to you when you didn’t message him then that means he is thinking about you. He must be really busy with his work and that could be the reason he is not giving you proper time. Wait and please have some patience and everything will improve. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello again, It's been a while. We texted but he suddenly stopped sending me messages. It's been already 5 days. He didn't manage to make time to see me or to call me. I think this is the sign that we are both done . If he wanted to see me he would do everything in his power. I cannot force someone to see me if he doesn't want to.
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again If you feel he is ignoring you and not replying to your messages then better to stop sending him more messages. Keep yourself busy as you did last time. This is happening for some good reason. Don’t get worried for that. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello, do you think he is behaving this way because he doesn't want me? Maybe someone better is waiting for me.
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

Yes something better is going to happen. If he is ignoring you then better to stop thinking about him. Just keep yourself busy. You will do better than you are doing now. Thanks and regards.

Patient's Query

Hello, After ignoring him for almost 2 weeks . Yesterday he asked me to hang out . Honestly I don't know what to say to be honest. It's been over a month since we last saw each other .
Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Hi again You can wait and watch. As we discussed earlier don’t over involved in emotions. Just remain relaxed and don’t overthink. If he is asking you to go out you can go with him but then again don’t contact him unless he messages you. With time you will be able to know what is right for you and what is wrong. Thanks

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

At the end I decided we should part our ways. I have waited for him for a long time and was blind to believe he really wanted to see me. He kept telling me he wanted to see me but never made time for me . I hope one day I will find someone better.

Thanks.

Answered by Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

If you have decided what is right for you then that is good decision. I hope you remain relaxed and spend time in improving your skills and knowledge and not in taking stress due to break in relationship. You will be better person at the end. Just remain happy and hopeful.

Thanks and regards.

Same symptoms don't mean you have the same problem. Consult a doctor now!

Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui
Dr. Seikhoo Bishnui

Psychiatry

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