How can someone overcome hallucinations, suicidal thoughts, and episodes of hopelessness?

Hello doctor,

I would like to know if there is something I should be worried about. I am a bit all over the place, so I will apologize in advance. I will put some words in quotation marks because they are simply the best fit I can come up with. Still, I do not believe I am using the correct terms to describe my feelings accurately. I struggle with depressive "episodes" in which the world and my life feel hopeless, and I think about suicide constantly. When I "wake up," the whole thing seems ridiculous; I feel I have a bright future and can accomplish anything. Both these feelings can last anywhere from a week to a few months. Another worrying thing is that sometimes I feel the world is not a real place like I have been "trapped" because I am being punished for something I have done. I am extremely afraid to share these feelings with anyone in my life because I am unsure whether they are in on what is happening, and if I reveal these feelings, "they" will know that I know. Things will get much worse; even now, I feel incredibly anxious sharing this over the internet, even though I am at the point in the "cycle" that I do not "really" feel that way. One of the things that make me feel like this is that animals around me seem to display a worrying amount of intelligence, and it seems almost as though they are watching me make sure that I believe the illusion. I know this is not normal, and after a few years of almost paralyzing fear, I just want to share this with anybody, almost to prove to myself that nothing terrible will happen by sharing it.

Another abnormal thing that worries me is the suspicion that the people around me can hear my thoughts and are spying on me; in the back of my mind, I "know" that this is impossible, but I still find myself fearful of the what-if and nearly always try to control what I am thinking to show the best possible side of myself just in case someone is listening. One of the last things that fill me with anxiety is that I "hear" voices trying to speak to me nearly every night when I lay down to bed. I have researched this and realized that it is normal for people to hallucinate sounds as they fall asleep and are between a dreaming and waking state; this worries me because when this happens, I am nowhere near asleep. The voices seem to be in another language I cannot understand but should be able to understand. The last thing that worries me is that I recently realized that the way my mind works is not necessarily the same, as everyone connects seemingly unrelated things and attaches meanings to words that are not there.

I also find myself half remembering things I know I have not done, for instance: dragging bodies long distances, vicious fights, running in vast open spaces, and things of that nature. They feel like half-forgotten memories from childhood, but I am almost sure that this version of "me" has never done them (some more specific than others). Also, I find myself reaching for words that are not there, as though I am trying to use words from a language I have forgotten. I have struggled with these thoughts and feelings for a few years now, and I always assured myself that if I ignored them or kept them secret, everything would be fine, but as time goes by, they only seem to get more intense. Sometimes I feel completely fine, and then it is as though somebody walks on my grave, and it all comes rushing back. I just want to know if these are everyday things that I am blowing out of proportion or if I should try to get help. I have always been afraid of what might happen if I try, but lately, everything seems to be getting worse, and I just want to feel normal and in control. I want to feel better and not as though the only way to"escape" my punishment is to kill myself.